Talking with other present and returned volunteers, I know that my time here is going to be one roller coaster after another. But I've been riding the same roller coaster for months now. Think about when you were little and you went to an amusement park. So far, I've been on everything from the ferris wheel to tilt-a-whirl here. Hell, I've been stuck at the kiddie park with the rubber flooring to prevent any type of injury possible while everyone watches me while anticipating some sort of accident that can only be brought on by negligence.

Lately, I've been feeling like the little kid who got on the roller coaster ride. I am strapped (almost forced) into place by a metal bar in a rickety seat. Then, without warning, the carnie turns the machine on and speaks some sort of mumbled, indecipherable jargon at me which I can only assume is supposed to be about safety and other concerns. What does he want me to do? It only makes me more anxious. Then I begin the climb. Nervousness creeps up every one of the disks of my spine with every crank of the wheel; every foot gained higher off the ground in my little cart. I hold any noise from my voice in the hopes that I don't appear weak to the other riders/volunteers. As riders, we are all in the same position; the same ride. Even though we are feeling the same thing we don't talk about it. Sure we talk about how much fun we are having and how exciting the experience is. We just accept the fact that everyone on the ride is the same spot and has to last the entirety of the trip. If we didn't want to go through with it, we shouldn't have waited in the long line when others more willing could have easily taken our place. If we didn't want to go through with it, we should have gotten off or told the carnie "it isn't for me" before they put down that metal latch. That metal latch is now in place and locked over my lap. I've gone through the first part; where the cart jerks violently upwards and puts itself in line for the biggest impact/drop of the ride. This moment takes forever. The anticipation grows exponentially with each second. Each jerk, however painful, is a sign of progress and one more step closer to the goal. This climb is lasting forever. As it finally cascades over the highest incline, I am torn. I am both excited and scared for the intense change of pace. Looking out over the top of the ride, is it okay for me to initially regret my decision? Have I reached the top already? What the f**k did I just agree to? Can we put this ride in reverse? Would I be considered a wimp if I closed my eyes? I don't have enough courage to put my hands in the air so instead I clutch the cold metal bar close to me which I can only assume was grasped by those that shared the same characteristics. Oh gosh, I can feel the cart leveling off!

Right before the cart begins its steep decline, I realize that it will only get better than this and that it will all be over before I know it. But this roller coaster is different. My roller coaster is different. I've had to wait patiently and anxiously for my cart to make the first and most difficult climb. I've had to endure holding onto my screams of excitement and fear while my cart was racing at the highest drop, all the while not knowing which turns or drops where ahead of me. But the turns, climbs, and drops are not ending. I have finally gotten the strength and opened my eyes only to realize that this ride has its own design. My hold on that metal bar is still strong. Sure, I have an idea when it is going to end, but I have no idea what the ride actually looks like. I have no way to plan for the track that lays ahead for it is strictly laid out by my reactions alone. I am responsible. Once I realize this I feel calm. I still get anxious when I feel the cart jolt violently downward, yet I know that it has no choice but to either turn upward or level off. I also know that at anytime, there will be a camera to go off and take a horrible candid photo of every cart that is with me. That proves that I have to be 'on all the time." We all do. But this also makes me wonder...

Can I get medical leave for mental whiplash?

June came too soon. This is good in one way because that means I have 21 months to go. However, it also reminds me how much work still needs to be done. My most recent projects will be focusing on Information Communications Technology (ICT), behavior modification towards diabetes with at-risk groups, and a Youth Life Skills Camp pertaining to Drug Abuse and Awareness. Here's the rundown:

ICT: I will be working with my office and leaders in the area to provide an alloted time each week to teach a program (ie.Word, PowerPoint, Excel) by myself to a group a individuals who are interested in learning to do more with their computers. There will be a couple different types of audiences so I will have to change the structure depending if I have my office staff, adults in the community, or children. The goal is to promote the use of the ICT center so it can be used to better the needs of the community members. Teenagers can use the programs to work on homework/presentations for their present school and create applications and resumes for future university or jobs. The rubber tree market is a prominent feature in southern Thailand and the center can be used by farmers to check market status and agricultural products.

Diabetes: I mentioned the amount of processed sugar that Thais eat in an older post so it is nice to see that my community wants to implement this type of project. It's been an issue for some time now in Thailand and even has a catch phrase: 'Thai-a-betes.' And even though the comparative average of people with diabetes is lower here than in the US (7.1% Thailand to 10.3% US source International Diabetes Foundation) it is estimated that the numbers here will rise. That is why an increase in prevention awareness and education is essential. I say behavior modification I don't mean rolling up a newspaper and bopping people on the head like a dog and telling them "No. Drop it. Drop the cake." There is a cultural aspect that needs to be considered as well. For those already familiar with 'kanomes' (basically any Thai sweet) they play an important role in relationship building. Wanna make a new friend? Share a kanome. Have a meeting to attend? Bring a kanome. A VIP is coming to the village to do a presentation? Give 'em a kanome (and a box of kanomes 'to-go'). It's an integral part of Thai culture so my role is to try and balance the attitude of holding onto its importance while instilling a moderation attitude. This means educating people about the cause, cost and aftermath of dealing with diabetes or helping a family member with diabetes while not sugar-coating any of the details.

Youth Life Skills Camp: I don't know if this is really going to be a camp or perhaps a bi-monthly presentation to the community or maybe just a two day experiment. Whatever it is, it will include important issues such as health, diet and exercise, sex-ed, and drug awareness. The main objective is drug awareness. My community has youth members who engage in illegal drug activity and my job will be to show them the effects of drug use  while also showing outside risks such as community vulnerability and long term effects physically and socially. It is also important to reach out to the kids who are not using to rid some of the myths out there pertaining to drug use and addiction.It's just the matter of giving it a push to get started.

I did get to play for a bit last month in Ao Nang and Koh Phi Phi which are gorgeous. I've also discovered that I really don't like trying to fall asleep without some sort of noise. Does it mean I'm afraid to be left with my own thoughts? Would I find them boring? Nahhh. If they were boring they would probably help me sleep better. Would I find them frightening? Nahhh. I put enough thoughts like that in my head to create a pretty nice layer of anxiousness on my mind during the day already. And then I forget about them 5 minutes later anyway. Or maybe the reason I need noise is to drown out the mysterious scratching that comes from my roof that is followed by the sounds of some sort of rat/monkey/bird.

(The monkeys have curly rabies? Another project idea)

And this reminds me of Wizard of Oz. Which reminds me of Wicked (which is about a witch). Which is showing in Vancouver BC. Which makes me miss the Pacific Northwest and going to shows. So how do I cope with missing American climate and culture? I'm still trying to figure that out. This weekend I did make peanut butter by scratch which helped but I didn't have any salt so I just used my tears instead. FYI try not to eat it when you are crying because you don't want excess tears to fall into the jar. Too much salt is bad for the body.

So yes. I made peanut butter. I also made a lemon sugar body scrub from all natural ingredients too. It was very easy and I'm surprised how well it works. Now all I need is to wait until I can get a ride to the market again to load up on supplies. This would be a great project to do in my village and I am going to try to spark some interest. I have a feeling that it will be difficult, however, when it seems most people would prefer their skin-whitening products.