Talking with other present and returned volunteers, I know that my time here is going to be one roller coaster after another. But I've been riding the same roller coaster for months now. Think about when you were little and you went to an amusement park. So far, I've been on everything from the ferris wheel to tilt-a-whirl here. Hell, I've been stuck at the kiddie park with the rubber flooring to prevent any type of injury possible while everyone watches me while anticipating some sort of accident that can only be brought on by negligence.

Lately, I've been feeling like the little kid who got on the roller coaster ride. I am strapped (almost forced) into place by a metal bar in a rickety seat. Then, without warning, the carnie turns the machine on and speaks some sort of mumbled, indecipherable jargon at me which I can only assume is supposed to be about safety and other concerns. What does he want me to do? It only makes me more anxious. Then I begin the climb. Nervousness creeps up every one of the disks of my spine with every crank of the wheel; every foot gained higher off the ground in my little cart. I hold any noise from my voice in the hopes that I don't appear weak to the other riders/volunteers. As riders, we are all in the same position; the same ride. Even though we are feeling the same thing we don't talk about it. Sure we talk about how much fun we are having and how exciting the experience is. We just accept the fact that everyone on the ride is the same spot and has to last the entirety of the trip. If we didn't want to go through with it, we shouldn't have waited in the long line when others more willing could have easily taken our place. If we didn't want to go through with it, we should have gotten off or told the carnie "it isn't for me" before they put down that metal latch. That metal latch is now in place and locked over my lap. I've gone through the first part; where the cart jerks violently upwards and puts itself in line for the biggest impact/drop of the ride. This moment takes forever. The anticipation grows exponentially with each second. Each jerk, however painful, is a sign of progress and one more step closer to the goal. This climb is lasting forever. As it finally cascades over the highest incline, I am torn. I am both excited and scared for the intense change of pace. Looking out over the top of the ride, is it okay for me to initially regret my decision? Have I reached the top already? What the f**k did I just agree to? Can we put this ride in reverse? Would I be considered a wimp if I closed my eyes? I don't have enough courage to put my hands in the air so instead I clutch the cold metal bar close to me which I can only assume was grasped by those that shared the same characteristics. Oh gosh, I can feel the cart leveling off!

Right before the cart begins its steep decline, I realize that it will only get better than this and that it will all be over before I know it. But this roller coaster is different. My roller coaster is different. I've had to wait patiently and anxiously for my cart to make the first and most difficult climb. I've had to endure holding onto my screams of excitement and fear while my cart was racing at the highest drop, all the while not knowing which turns or drops where ahead of me. But the turns, climbs, and drops are not ending. I have finally gotten the strength and opened my eyes only to realize that this ride has its own design. My hold on that metal bar is still strong. Sure, I have an idea when it is going to end, but I have no idea what the ride actually looks like. I have no way to plan for the track that lays ahead for it is strictly laid out by my reactions alone. I am responsible. Once I realize this I feel calm. I still get anxious when I feel the cart jolt violently downward, yet I know that it has no choice but to either turn upward or level off. I also know that at anytime, there will be a camera to go off and take a horrible candid photo of every cart that is with me. That proves that I have to be 'on all the time." We all do. But this also makes me wonder...

Can I get medical leave for mental whiplash?